saying goodbye

It was almost two years ago exactly that my Dad discovered what he thought was a bug bite on his leg. He was diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma just shy of two months later. I officially gave up my hope that he would win the fight this past December 23 and he finally lost his battle today at 7:20 am. He was 59.

The house was quiet and dark. My mom and husband were sleeping, I was at his bed side holding his hand as he took his last breath. The last two years have been hard. The last eight months have been harder. The last two weeks have been the hardest and there just aren’t words to describe the last few days. But it’s over, and that’s what we’ve been hoping for. Once you know you’re out of options, you just want the pain to end.
I’ve had a long time to prepare for this moment, and I know it’s helped immensely, but it’s still harder than anything really should be. I know there will be times I forget that he is gone. I’m sure to hit speedial 6 on my cell phone at least half a dozen times before it really sinks in. This has been the focus of my life for so long now, I know I’ll feel some confusion in the weeks ahead. It will take some time to get into a new routine, but I have lots to keep me busy and so much to look forward to.
I have nothing but good memories though. My Dad was a super cool guy and no one would protest that. It’s been really nice to get messages from school day friends remembering how cool he always was to them. I’ve always been thankful to my parents for helping to mold me into the person I am. They set a perfect example for me to learn the important things like a strong work ethic, how to be a good person, how to cook and how to love. Most importantly they let me figure out who I was going to be, and then let me be that person.
The services are Thursday and Friday at a beautiful memorial park near my house. Dad said he wanted it to be a party, so I hope we can make it one. I’m wearing a yellow dress, figured that was a good place to start.
I honestly would have fallen apart through all of this without the amazing support from all of you. You saved me, and I think about that every day.
I’ll be back in action full steam ahead once the dust settles. Soon though. I’m ready.
xox ~ nicole
My Dad and I, 1980

71 thoughts on “saying goodbye

  1. Charmaine says:

    Sending you warm thoughts and big hugs. So awesome that you will be wearing a yellow dress…I'm sure your dad would love that. Have the best party you can have…tell stories of your dad. I will be thinking about you.



  2. Karen Koch says:

    Hi Nicole,

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Your dad sounds like a wonderful guy. That photo of the two of you is priceless.

    Hope the party is a blast. We had one after my Mom passed, and I know she had a hand in some of the …quirks… that happened during it. Just her style.


  3. ArtMind says:

    My heart and thoughts are with you, Nicole! It's been a tough battle that didn't have a good ending unfortunately. Your dad has been lucky having you & so many people who care beside him. It must have been very comforting knowing that he was not alone.
    Dealing with this loss is something that will need time but know that you are loved too and that many of us are here for you! Thanks for sharing his story on so many occasions. Take care, sweet! Thinking of you and sending you strong vibes!


  4. Som's Studio says:

    Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 11 years earlier, to a heart attack. He was just 52. I never really got over his death. I hope that it gets better with time for you. Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way.


  5. Stacy says:

    I can't even imagine losing one of my parents, but I know it will happen one day. When it does, I hope I can face it with the same grace and courage that you have displayed, Nicole. God Bless you and your family that you may find the strength to carry on through what will undoubtedly be some very difficult days ahead.


  6. Richard says:

    Nicole I just have to say hang in there. That is what your father would want. You will always have the good memories like in that picture. I am a little younger than your father and my daughter was taken from me when she was only 6 years old. I know what you are going through.


  7. April in CT says:

    Nicole, I'm so incredibly sorry for this loss for you and your family. It's crystal clear your father had a special spirit that was passed on to you. I can't offer any words that will help ease your pain, but please know I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.


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